Friday, June 18, 2010

It's officially over...

Zach decided today that he just needs time for himself... and mentally, logically, I understand. However, my heart and body don't understand. So I forced the issue, and that's it.

We're done.

Before we started going out (again) we decided that this time it was all or nothing. We had too much history and feelings to have it just be maybe. We gave it a shot, and I found out that love sometimes... just isn't enough.

At least now I know that I have a lot of love to give, and I deserve to be happy. I will find someone that wants me, loves me, and will want to stick with me through everything. I and I will give the same in return.

Until that time... it's all about me, baby. Time to find God, good friends, and new adventures. Watch out world, here I come!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

I feel sick..

I appologize that this blog is becoming a personal diary... but my friends and roommates are getting sick of hearing about it... and writing about it helps me organize my thoughts... so here it goes.

I have never before been so emotionally distraught that I feel physically sick. I had heard from other people what it was like, but I had no idea to what degree it can consume you. I feel sick. Constantly. The mere thought of food makes me gag... sleep evades me... even the world cup and game &7 can't distract me. Constantly wondering... hopig, while knowing that hoping just makes this time even more toxic... prolongs the pain.

I can't help thinking that its the lack of closure that is killing me the most. Is this "break" just a pussy way of saying we're breaking-up? Is it because there is someone else he would rather be with? What did I do wrong? When did I stop being what he needed and loved and became an obligation, a hassle, just something else to worry about? How can love become so one sided? Unrequitted love is the worst and most painful experience. Scratch that, lost love is the most painful experience. It's worse than the 3 months I spent selling books, crying every Sunday.

Everyone keeps telling me that I will get over it, that I should focus on what I want, what's important to me... but how can I when I was basing that on the one person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with? Everyone says it is better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all... that's bullshit. I never want to feel like this again. Ever. This is what I get for letting myself fall in-love when I know that it often ends in hurt. Never again.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

How do you know when to move on?

No relationship is easy... but what about a relationship that has always been long-distance... and has been going on for 3 years (with a 1yr break in the middle)?

What do you do when someone grows to resent the relationship, sees it as a burden, but still claims to love you?

Do you sit around hoping you will have a chance, some day, to spend more time together, work things out, or just make the leap of faith... OR, do you accept it for what it was (a great learning experience, filled with first loves, and great moments) and try to move on?

Is it possible for someone to claim to want to marry you one day, and ask for a "break" the next?

Do people that go on breaks ever get back together... or is that just a prolonging way of saying "we're done"??

How can your heart tell you one thing and your mind tell you something completely opposite? Which one do you listen to?

How do you deal with a broken heart... how do you deal with being dumped for the first time? How do you deal with losing your first and only love?

How can you move on when you were so ready to love and to be loved? How can you grow and move past it without shutting yourself off completely?

How do you try and do daily things like: sleeping, eating, going to work... pretending to be okay when your heart tells you it won't be okay?

How long should you wait before you "get back out there"? What if you don't want to...

All of these what-ifs and the only advice that keeps ringing in my head are little notes my mom sent me when I was selling books:
~"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow"."

~"Keep the promises you make to yourself"

And I intend to do both of those.