Thursday, June 17, 2010

I feel sick..

I appologize that this blog is becoming a personal diary... but my friends and roommates are getting sick of hearing about it... and writing about it helps me organize my thoughts... so here it goes.

I have never before been so emotionally distraught that I feel physically sick. I had heard from other people what it was like, but I had no idea to what degree it can consume you. I feel sick. Constantly. The mere thought of food makes me gag... sleep evades me... even the world cup and game &7 can't distract me. Constantly wondering... hopig, while knowing that hoping just makes this time even more toxic... prolongs the pain.

I can't help thinking that its the lack of closure that is killing me the most. Is this "break" just a pussy way of saying we're breaking-up? Is it because there is someone else he would rather be with? What did I do wrong? When did I stop being what he needed and loved and became an obligation, a hassle, just something else to worry about? How can love become so one sided? Unrequitted love is the worst and most painful experience. Scratch that, lost love is the most painful experience. It's worse than the 3 months I spent selling books, crying every Sunday.

Everyone keeps telling me that I will get over it, that I should focus on what I want, what's important to me... but how can I when I was basing that on the one person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with? Everyone says it is better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all... that's bullshit. I never want to feel like this again. Ever. This is what I get for letting myself fall in-love when I know that it often ends in hurt. Never again.

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