I miss feeling like I belong somewhere.
So I've finally pegged it down. Its not that I am lonely or I miss a ton about New Berlin or Minneapolis because I know there are things I will miss about Spain too. Its just that I feel like I don't fit in either place, like I don't fit anywhere.
I am a drifter, not settling anywhere for too long. For example, I took off freshman year for MN for nine months, headed out to MI for 3 months, to a new apartment in dinky town for 4 months, lived in Toledo, Spain for 4 months, and moved around Europe for 2 more months, and now I am heading back to New Berlin? I haven't been able to establish myself or my life at all.
I once saw all this traveling and moving around as a way to challenge myself, to grow as a person, because I wasn't afraid to step out of my comfort zone. However, this has only resulted in the loss of my comfort zone. Where do I feel comfortable? Nowhere. I don't even fit-in in my own home town. I have out grown it and everyone else has also moved on without me. So here I am in Berlin, for the second week in a row, (I am really sick of this city) and ready to move on, but cant. I am all out of money.It doesn't help either that every time I spend 100€ almost $200 comes out of my account... losing money twice as fast with no way of earning it back.
I am still with my brother but we are both too similar and are kind of in the same funk. He is ready to go home and so am I. Or am I? I think it's not Europe I want to escape, or the US that I yearn for, but rather, quite simply, some stability and order to my life instead of being stuck in this limbo. 5 days and I will be home, another move, for another temporary amount of time.